My Daily Thoughts

How stupid can I be?

2005-04-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

So here I am again. Same story different day. Larry came home from inpatient alcohol treatment on 3/25/05. He said he was coming back with intentions of making things work between us. Honestly I was totally fine without him for that month. Sometimes I thought about him......but mostly I was very content. I did not have to worry about what I would find when I got home, from work, or whether he was driving my car drunk, I had true peace of mind. I had told him that it would not be fair to come back and continue with the same lies and deception. He said he understood. I guess that was a lie as well. Larry's alcohol was only one problem I had to deal with. He was also sleeping with a woman he works with. Her name is Cindy. She is 45 years old and lives in Faribault, MN. I also contracted Trich (STD) thru his sleeping with her. Everytime I ask questions - regarding this bitch - he is very defensive of her....a sign that it is not over. He also continues to call her. Now, to top off everything - he apparently has interests in a woman from the treatment center. Heidi. I have heard conversations. I have heard conversations where he is telling others that he does not have time for my bullshit. He doesn't care what I think. He doesn't care how I feel. So here I am once again. Same shit - different day. Larry came home from work at 7:40am - said he worked 1/2 hour overtime - yeah whatever.

2005-04-09T08:52:00.000-07:00

This is Me!

About Me

2005-04-02T06:04:00.000-08:00

I am a fifty one year old woman who still can't get it right. I can't find that special someone who truly loves me. I can find love, someone to treat me right, but I am not excited by those men. What is it about me? I feel I am giving and caring and good in bed. I have patience and am a good cook. I am not all that bad looking, although age and time have taken a toll. I could stand to loose a few pounds. I have trouble making myself happy. I am always looking for someone else to make me happy - it usually never works. So now the love of my life ( who by the way, never truly loved me) is telling me those same old lies again. We have been together going on eight years. I still can't get it through my head - he does not care. He will do and say whatever is necessary to keep things going - for whatever reason. He never means it. He puts up with me all the while waiting for his opportune moment to break away. I, on the other hand, keep thinking - if I stand by him - make him happy (which I cannot do, obviously) go through things with him - he will learn to love me - AM I AN IDIOT????? THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Larry does not now, and never will love me. He said "Believe it or not - I care very deeply for you". Still couldn't use the word "LOVE". Half of my life is over. I don't have much time to be happy. I certainly am not happy with these "bits and pieces" of affection Larry throws my way - just to keep things mellow. So - I am settling and in a way so is Larry - neither of us are happy. We just don't know what to do to get out. I was almost out. I could have absolutely refused to let him come back here after his treatment. I tried to stay strong. Then Larry said he had some things he wanted to tell me. He wanted to talk to me. Then, he said, whatever I decided - was on me. He still hasn't talked to me - still hasn't said whatever it was. I thought that maybe through a month of searching within himself and all the counseling he was receiving.....maybe he did have something to say -
NOT - It was just another lie!!!!!